Fall Edition

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Another September:

 Another School Year, Another Chance

                 Well, you’re trudging through the halls yet again, some of you carrying huge backpacks full of books and pens and papers (but don’t forget to bring a towel!), following the trail of bells from class to class to lunch to class again.  But there, at the end of the hallway, there is a glimmer of excitement – not just because this year’s group of Swedish exchange students have arrived with their sailing songs and those funny yodely voices you hear in the movies, but also because IT’S ANOTHER YEAR OF MODEL UN!  After a whole summer of toasting your brain under the lucky old sun, finally the opportunity to engage in debate on the best ways to solve the real world’s problems is at hand.  Go ahead and pinch yourself; this is not a dream.

Doesn’t sound so exciting at first?  Come on in out of the rain and pick up a newspaper, because Right Now is a particularly interesting time to make yourself into a Student of Global Affairs.  Besides the obvious stuff (Occupation of Iraq, Israel/Palestine, Ben and J.Lo’s non-wedding photos, etc.,)  there are always under-reported issues that the United Nations is dealing with on a daily basis, like combating world hunger, fighting the global AIDS epidemic, helping developing nations move into the Information Age, conferences on racism, women’s rights, the environment... It’s all in there.  Will this be on the test?  Yes, it will.     

Where do you fit in?  Here’s the plan: Rather than filling your valuable brain-space with True Hollywood Stories and the chattering of TRL hosts, you could load up on whichever global topics you’re most interested in by peeking around on the Web, which has hundreds of newspapers and other resources to help you on your path (When I was a boy, we had to find a really fancy library to get good info, and then we spent the rest of the night playing Jane’s Addiction records real loud to scare away the dinosaurs.  You are all lucky to have been born a little later.) Then, you ponder over what You would do to fix the situation if you had the chance (not enough pondering going on these days...)  When you’ve come up with a good idea, you propose it to your friends, and then you spend a bunch of time arguing (in a constructive way, we hope) over how to make this the best plan we’ve ever heard of. This is training in the process by which most of the work in the real world gets done, by the way.

This is the thing that makes Model UN cool – Debating the issues raised with other people who have put forth the effort to be just as informed as you are.  The more you debate, the more you’ll feel compelled to learn more about the issue at hand, and the more you’ll end up knowing.  

So get out there, find an issue you care about and run with it.  And bring your friends.  We of the MAMUN Staff will be waiting to see what you come up with, and we are (almost) always impressed.  Viva la Sweden!

Kofi, No Kreme: Advice from the Secretary-General to the Not-So General Assembly

DISCLAIMER FOR THE ONLINE EDITION:  This is not really advice from Kofi A. Annan, the much-respected Secretary-General of the United Nations, who hails from Ghana and whom we gather is quite fond of ballet.  We instead offer advice from certified Kofi Annan impersonators, who are otherwise  unemployed and/or enjoying an extended stay in one of the State’s many Institutions for the Hopelessly Unorganized.  It’s all in good fun, so please don’t sue our pants off, Mr. Annan.  We really do have great respect for you.  And now, bring on the questions:

Dear Kofi,

I know you are very busy these days, but I was wondering:  Will you be my Valentine?

-Lonely in Lumbago, Ohio

Kofi demurs:

My dear admiring clothes-pin, it is very flattering to be asked, but I am already married and the father of two, and I’m afraid that these prior commitments would preclude any possibility of a romantic relationship between myself and a stranger on the Internet.  Come to think on it, even if I was single and unattached, you never really know who is on the other end of an e-mail, and the chances that I’d be carrying on a hand-holding tryst with a small patrol of French circus clowns is far too great a risk for a man of my responsibilities to undertake. 

But if your intentions are honorable, do not take my rebuke too harshly; there are five (5) more months until Valentine’s Day.  That gives you plenty of time to start passing subtle yet cutesy love-notes around your algebra class and/or having flowers delivered to your special someone in the middle of lunchtime.  What else could say “Romance” so loudly and clearly as the scent of Hardy Mums mixed up with the heavy waft of  microwaved pizza grease? 

On second thought, never mind.  Wear some comfy jogging pants and watch all of the Star Trek movies back to back.  Wrath of Khan is a classic.

-Love, Kofi  

Dear Kofi,

Are you going to run for president of the USA in 2004?  There are eleven people running so far, and I’ve heard that these things come in twelves.  Grandpa says that a lot.

- Campaigning for a Kofi Nation

Kofi replies:

My stout young teapot, as you may not know, the United States follows a policy by which only native-born sons/daughters are allowed to seek the high office of president.  This rule was adopted in a simpler time, before the advent of the steamship, the airplane, and the space canoe.  As a result, the only two ways to get to America without being born there were to:

A) Suffer a long sea voyage on a ship, which would often result in the passengers going a wee bit crazy from the poor quality of the food, the disappointment of waking up every morning and seeing the same stinky sailors instead of the Super Angels Who Make Chocolate Milkshakes that you’d been dreaming about all night, and/or the repetition of the same silly pirate songs about yo-ho-ho and whatever comes after that, or

B) Jump off the dock and swim your fat hinder over here in the straightest line possible, do not pass Go, do not collect two-hundred dollars.

As you can see, having endured either of these experiences would immediately make an individual flatly unsuitable to spearhead the Great Democratic Experiment.  While new innovations in travel have made these concerns pure baloney, the spirit of the law lives on, and you’d best not fool with it.  Aside from that, I have a lot to do here at the UN without having to roll across the Heartland, groveling for the votes of soccer-moms.  They’re good people, but there are only so many hours in a day.

-Love, Kofi

Want to quiz Kofi?  Send your questions to kofi@mamunonline.com.  We promise correct answers to the right questions.

Canadian-American Security Councils 2003:

A Warm-Up for Some; A Primer for Others; An Intelligent Debate for All

 Sick and tired of listening to the talking heads on TV chit and chat about the more trivial points of current history, shouting above each other for air-time between commercials and each competing for your attention with those running update banners at the bottom of the screen?  Don’t you wish this discussion could be a little bit more, well, productive?  Isn’t there anyone who can elevate this discussion to a more civilized and information-based debate, with hopes of implementing a solution? Who could accomplish this?

Continued at bottom of next column

Volleyball Training Advisory

MAMUN 2004 is only six months away, and already the spikes, slams and ace serves of the Undefeated Staff Team are looking awfully tight here at the Dag Hammersjkold Memorial Aquatic Training Facility and Tea Cozy Museum, which is located in scenic Undisclosed Location, Wyoming.   It is here where, during a month-long retreat, the MAMUN Staff has been waking up at unbelievably early hours for training, cross-training, studying films of previous years, and psyching themselves up for the big tangle that will almost certainly produce another astounding Staff victory at the Wednesday Night Pool Party being played in March at the MAMUN 2004 Conference.

“Pish-Tosh,” you say to yourself.  “Those ripped, sculpted, bronze-gods have another thing coming if they think we’re going to let them win this thing again and gloat about it shamelessly in the MAGEC Moments for all to read!  This year, we have a Secret Weapon!  Something that will make those chumps quiver in their gavels when March comes around!  We will triumph!  We will not be beaten like legless armadillos again!”

 Now stop talking to yourself and get into the pool.  Practice makes perfect, Delegates, and you’ll need all the practice you can get if you are to defeat Destiny.

Dan Madion, long-time MAGEC Staffer par excellence and dear friend to at least seven or eight people, was lucky enough to celebrate the birth of his first son, Nathaniel Roy Madion on August 31, 2003.  We of the MAGEC Staff want to wish Dan and his beautiful wife, Kara, all the best and a healthy and happy future for the newborn Madion.  Certainly, we could all stand to say a little prayer for Kara, who will now have two beds to check in order to find out who is hungry in the middle of the night and making a lot of noise about it.

Strange Model UN tie-in – The new Madion bears the names of three different MAGEC Staff Members, but Dan insists this is pure coincidence.  Yeah, and if my grandmother had wheels, she’d be a wagon... 

Aside from our elder statesman Mark Pontoni and our much, much elder statesman Glenn Ruggles, Dan is the only member of the current MAGEC Staff to be fruitful and multiply, which set off a wave of unease and trepidation around the globe, where the question left grown men shuddering: Who will be next? (Answers below! Use your secret decoder pin, and always drink Ovaltine.)

 Congratulations, Kara and Dan!  Let us all raise a toast to the future of your new son. (Those of you under 21 will have to use an actual piece of toast; I’m sorry, that’s the law.)

Go over and check out our New and Improved MAMUN Discussion Board. You’ll have to register yourself, maybe pick out a funny little picture to go next to your name, and then get yourself sunk knee-deep into the discussions and debates already underway in the “In The News” and “General Discussion” forums.  Maybe you’re having trouble getting started on your topics?  Look under your committee for links to helpful news stories – or add your own, if you’ve found something you think could be interesting to others.

Also, you can write to us (the Staff) with questions on Opening Presentations, Resolution Writing, or general help with the topics on the agenda.  Many of us check the board daily, and we are not afraid to give you a noodge or two in the right direction, or the left direction, if you prefer.  We hope that you Delegates will enjoy the opportunity to debate each other in this forum without the time constraints of a normal committee session, nor the formal procedural motions enforced by the Chairperson (though we will chime in from time to time if we think we can add to the discussion.)  You can debate us, too!  Why not?  You’re not using your real names, no one will hold a grudge if it turns out you’re smarter than we are...

Please register yourself at the link above,, even if you’re not planning on getting into the fray with both fists.  It’s totally free, and we do want to give helpful announcements and research updates through this board, and it’s a tasty way to do it.  Come on in, we’ll make the coffee.

It is now time for answers to age-old quandaries and conundrums which have stymied scholars and clever people for minutes at a time, but have left Couch Boy flat on his back for weeks.   Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you the wisdom of the Couch Boy.  Tread carefully, and if you learn something, wash your feet off immediately.

Today was a dip in the Pool of Comfy Pajamas, but we should not take this blessing at face value.  What if no one bothered to wash any of the pajamas?  What if they did wash them, but forgot to use fabric softener, and the roughness of the fabric gives me great big friction-rashes?  What if these pajamas are not empty, but still filled with the muskrats who were wearing them earlier, and they all want to borrow money from me?  Muskrats!  Ah-heee! 

[In this circumstance, it would be entirely appropriate to raise a Point of Order (Rule GA-73) and ask the Chairperson/President to clear the room of muskrats and/or the stinky pajamas.  Keep that rule in your back pocket, just in case.  I hope this has been helpful.]

CASC-Continued from previous column